The Happy Holiday Couple?

Ahhh the holidays! A sentiment that can be taken any number of ways. It might be the sigh of a remembered warm glow of a family gathering long ago, an infant smile, the arrival of a new pet. Or, it could be the feeble expression of an emotion that is too weak to even muster depression. Whatever the meaning, we have all felt the holidays' thorny poke around this time of year.

From a time that was suppose to be a celebration of hope and renewed life (according to many religious doctrine's), many of us have concentrated the emotional fervor into a festering puss-ball of worry and procrastination. "Wow, how much did I spend?, The relatives are coming when?, What do you mean I volunteered for this in March?'" and on and on....

Added to this potpourri of stress and hypocrisy is the constant reminder of the joy of being a couple. A couple of what; however, is the bigger question. There are three basic couples that need to be addressed at this most festive season: the newbies, the up-and-comers, and the Way-too-close-for-comfort.

The Newbies are those couples that have just discovered the joy of being together a few weeks prior to the holidays. You have now learned all there is to learn about each other and it's time to launch your significant other head-long into the dysfunctional arms of your family. After all, if they're busy interrogating them.... they won't have as much time to focus on you! To sweeten the pot, you announce to the newest love of your life, that you have just purchased their gift and they are really going to be surprised!. (Now your significant other will hopefully feel obligated to go along with whatever evil plot you have created). What that recipient doesn't know is that 1) if you're a male, chances are you will be purchasing said gift at 11:45pm December the 24Th from whatever drug store is open or 2) if you're a female, you will have been grilling all of his family, friends and work associates for the last several weeks (months, if adhering to the true stalker fashion handbook) so that the gift you give him will be remembered for all time (at least until he stuffs it in the back of the closet). Either way, by the time you survive "family time" you will have reached a new plateau. You will either be bonded and scarred for life, ready to make the next commitment (wallpaper), or be mentally weighing the options regarding your gift, ("......is it returnable?, can I return the gift and they not know?, what were they thinking?!....). Finally, if this experience has caused permanent damage, the last option is always the most difficult. Do I break up with them now or wait and see what I get? (No sense in shooting yourself in the foot.) Who knows? Maybe the gift will be such a Wower that the rest of life's struggles pale in comparison.....but don't bet on it!

The second couple, the up-and-comers, are next on the list. These are the couples that, as a couple, have decided to set guidelines for family survival. The intricate and arduous task of mapping out everything. How much time is spent at each parent's home (time doubled if all parents are divorced ...four homes instead of two minimum). This time frame can continue to be increased exponentially depending on the number of ex's involved. Who gets to host whom and when? When hosting, who's going to pay for all the food etc.? Which of the family members are going to be excluded? Even though this is the time of love and understanding, that last incident with Uncle you-know-who with .....well, was really outside the bounds of common decency. And finally, "Honey, what do you want for....?" A question that everyone lies about, but who's answer may be the grounds for the next divorce court.

Finally, the Way-too-close-for-comfort couple. This is the couple that has been married or together from the time when dirt was a baby. They finish each other's sentences, have everything, but still need to find that "special" something that will remind them that the spark in the other's eye is not merely the pace-maker malfunctioning again. It is this couple, more than any other, that I admire the most. They have not only survived the Newbie and Up-and-Comer stages, but have managed to do so with a dignity that is only rivaled by certain species of birds. They have not only built their nest, kicked the kids out of the nest, but then continued to grow their nest egg in preparation for their eventual non-nest oriented retirement. It is for this couple, that the true "ahhh the holiday's" sentiment might actually mean something good.

This time of year is particularly trying for those individuals that are not part of these couples. Are we continually reminded of this fact? Positively. Do we want to throw a well-placed round-house kick into the abdomen of every cheery soul that wishes us Merry? Absolutely. Am I anit-holiday? Not necessarily. Maybe I'm just adjusting to this sudden and annoying growth of body hair and bilious green pallor that I have developed. The fact that Dicken's suggestion of driving a stake of holly through a heart, that has nothing to do with vampires, is appealing in it's own right. There are worse things than being alone.....like being the recipient of a really bad gift that you are too embarrassed to return. But I'm telling you.....the catalog said it was the latest in penis pumps!

So, couple or no.....have a Merry, Happy whatever (is that really politically correct?) and better luck next year!